The 90-Day Rule: How Pastor Mike Todd’s Intentional Dating Framework Could Revolutionize Modern Relationships
In a world of instant gratification and fleeting connections, one pastor’s bold approach to dating is challenging couples to slow down, build trust, and prioritize purpose over passion.
The Problem with Modern Dating
Dating in the digital age often feels like a high-speed chase—swipe, match, meet, repeat. Many relationships burn bright and fast, fueled by infatuation and physical intimacy, only to fizzle out when reality sets in. The result? A cycle of emotional wear-and-tear, unmet expectations, and frustration.
Enter Pastor Mike Todd of Transformation Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma, who, alongside his wife Natalie, has introduced “The 90-Day Rule”—a structured yet liberating approach to dating designed to foster real connection before commitment.
What Is the 90-Day Rule?
At its core, the 90-Day Rule is a friendship-first framework. For three months, couples intentionally avoid romantic or physical escalation, focusing instead on:
Building genuine friendship – No pressure, no promises, just getting to know each other’s character, values, and quirks.
Setting healthy boundaries – Guardrails aren’t about fear; they’re about direction.
Identifying red flags early – Instead of ignoring warning signs, they’re addressed head-on.
“It’s less than a football season,” Todd jokes. “If you’re serious about a God-honoring relationship, that’s not too much to ask.”
Why 90 Days? The Science & Strategy Behind It
Psychologists suggest it takes 60-90 days for infatuation (“the honeymoon phase”) to fade and true compatibility to surface. By delaying physical and emotional overinvestment, couples can:
Avoid love-bombing – When affection is used to manipulate or rush intimacy.
Spot inconsistencies – Is this person who they say they are when the excitement cools?
Evaluate spiritual & emotional alignment – Are you truly compatible, or just caught up in feelings?
Todd emphasizes: “When you date on purpose, you protect your heart, your future, and your calling.”
Boundaries Aren’t Barriers—They’re Bridges
One of the most countercultural aspects of the 90-Day Rule is its emphasis on intentional boundaries. Todd argues that limits aren’t restrictive—they’re protective.
“When you put guardrails on your relationship, it’s not because you’re scared,” he explains. “It’s because you’re trying to get somewhere on purpose—without crashing on the way.”
This means:
No premature intimacy – Avoiding physical entanglement before emotional security.
No social media officiality – Keeping the relationship private until it’s truly solid.
No future faking – Discussing fears, deal-breakers, and expectations early.
The Power of Asking the Right Questions
Todd encourages daters to ask hard questions upfront, such as:
“What are your biggest fears in a relationship?”
“How do you handle conflict?”
“What does commitment mean to you?”
“Maybe it’s the fear of being pressured physically. Maybe it’s the fear of being lied to,” Todd says. “Whatever it is—put it on the table. It builds trust and accountability.”
What If It Doesn’t Work Out?
Even if the relationship ends, Todd reframes it as a win:
“You learned about yourself. You got new tools. And you didn’t trash your heart in the process.”
In a culture that often equates breakups with failure, this perspective is revolutionary.
Final Thought: Dating with Purpose Changes Everything
The 90-Day Rule isn’t about rigid rules—it’s about intentionality. In a world where relationships are often treated as disposable, Todd’s framework offers a refreshing alternative:
Slow down. Build wisely. Love with clarity.
Because the best relationships aren’t built on sparks—they’re built on substance.
